Congratulations On Your Breakup! Now What?
Breakups. Are. Tough. It’s baffling how you can have the rest of your life planned out with someone who you feel your soul is connected to, and in one conversation that completely re-routes! Most of us will go through breakups and each time it feels a bit different. Some people write songs, some drown their sorrows at the bar, some dive into self-work, and then there’s me.
After dabbling in the other methods during previous breakups, this time around I did two new things that proved to much more effective than anything else I’d tried:
1 - I vowed to not drink for at least the first two weeks post-breakup, as I didn’t want to mess with how good I was feeling physically or give myself any sort of “hangxiety”
2 - I threw myself a breakup party (no, this wasn’t a rager… and I’ll circle back on this below)
Today marks five weeks since breakup day for me and I have some lessons to share!
My key takeaways:
Acceptance Of The Event
The moment you completely accept that the life you had planned out with your partner has changed, and start to let it go, a whole new path of opportunity and possibility opens up for you! Even if the breakup isn’t your decision, try to reframe it. Do you actually want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? The reality is, you don’t know what could happen tomorrow. Let go of control and be in the energy of possibility!
Complete Detox
Research shows that it takes between two to three months for the neuro-pathways in your brain to rewire (ie. A few months of no contact for you to think of the other person all the time) If you can accept that your relationship is over, then the healthiest and easiest long-term option is to cut off all communication. I don’t mean block your ex so that you hope they show up with roses. A complete detox must be with the intention of wanting to cut off all ties. Remove them as a follower from social media, from calling, G-chat, etc. If you follow their friends who might post photos with them, then block their friends, too. You’re doing yourself a future favor. And if you’re the type of person to check to see if their close friends liked your post and might be reporting back on how well you’re doing (like me), then remove those people as followers too! No more games, it’s you time, and you must do whatever it takes to set yourself up for success. I opted to turn the photo reminder off on my phone, and you might consider backing up all of your photos on an external hard drive and deleting them from your devices. Will I be logging out of his parent’s HBO Max? F no! It’s not a trigger for me, but be mindful of what does trigger you. If you remove as many of your triggers as possible, your brain will rewire and your attachment to the person will change. You may be surprised by how differently you view the relationship in a very short amount of time!
Love Includes You Too!
Make time for self-love, which could be in the form of calling a friend, seeing your therapist, getting a massage, going away for the weekend or just going for a hike. It’s important to focus on whatever makes you feel good with the exception of mind-altering substances or getting under someone else to get over someone. Acknowledge that a piece of love in your life is no longer there and recognize that prioritizing love in other ways is helpful to your transition. The loving activities that help you process your thoughts and feelings are the most effective for long-term success, but diving into a healthy amount of work, etc, can be a helpful distraction too if that’s what gets you through the day.
Process and Reflect
A lot of us aren’t in relationships with other people, we’re in a relationship with our coping mechanisms that stem from our limiting beliefs. Read that again. This is so important to grasp so that we aren’t reliving the same patterns with future partners. Notice if you’re living within contexts of, “I’m not enough,” “I don’t matter,” or “I’m not worthy.” Give yourself time and space to process where that is coming from and be open to both talking about it and working on it. Relationships are often a reflection of our own survival mechanisms, so in order to not be in a relationship with what that person brings up in you, you have to fully accept yourself.
Yes, part of processing and reflecting also includes fully accepting yourself, so that you can be more present and get to know future partners for who they fully are, too. You can’t accept someone else until you’ve truly accepted yourself. It certainly takes work and practice, but it’s life-changing when you get it! It can be quite difficult to work on yourself by yourself, so please email me to set up an à la carte life coaching session if you’re interested in figuring out your context and how to relate to others going forward!
The break-up party (TY for the idea Amy Chan)
Get a group of friends together on a recorded Zoom and ask each one to explain why he or she loves you, and what he or she thinks you will excel at going forward. This isn’t a time to shit-talk your ex, it’s about feeling loved and supported by your inner circle. Any time you feel like you’re in a moment of weakness and need a bit of extra love, you can replay the video and hear their support again as needed! Blame it all on me if you feel awkward asking this from your friends - I promise they’ll love the idea as much as they love you, as my inner circle did!
Refrain From Shit-Talking Your Ex
As mentioned above, not shit-talking my ex was something really important to me! An ex is someone you cared enough about and CHOSE to be in a relationship for however long it lasted. He or she was family. I think it’s helpful to explain some situations in an effort to grasp the reality of events, but nobody ever looks good while speaking badly about someone else! Process any “negative” feelings, like anger, that you might have so that they don’t come up in other sneaky ways (like physical pain in your body), but I’d refrain from getting carried away with the shit-talking! Remember, you are inherently love and you have an endless supply of it inside of you. :)
I hope that’s helpful and thank you for reading. As a coach, sometimes I feel like I need to show that I’ve got everything under control and that’s how I can help others, but I’ve learned it’s quite the opposite! Being a vulnerable human is how I have the superpower of compassion and love for my client’s, and the ability to completely accept who I am in this world translates to being able to hold a safe space for each of you. There’s really nothing more fulfilling than making a difference in other’s lives, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this with you.
As a side note, I’ve noticed some people say, “I’m so sorry to hear you broke up,” but I’d like to suggest we start saying “congratulations” to our friend’s going through breakups. Nobody goes through with a difficult breakup situation if things are going well in their relationship, and making the decision to part ways opens up new doors of possibility and opportunity that you wouldn’t have if you stayed stuck in something that wasn’t working!
Holding a space for yourself to feel all of the emotions and recognizing that change is not a linear path is important. Also, knowing that even when life feels tough you can still be happy (isn’t duality awesome?!), and letting yourself feel so much of the emotion of love itself is a freeing concept, too! If you have no idea how to do that then book a session with me and we’ll figure it out together!
Eventually, getting to the place of feeling gratitude for all the memories you shared with your previous partner and lessons you learned is what will bring peace. I’m so thankful for every bit of the beautiful human I shared the last few years with, and I would not trade even the tear-filled lessons, for anything. I promise you will get there too even if you can’t see it right now! <3
